shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
