if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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