took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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