Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize