for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I want to fling myself into the sun
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
