My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
