I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
