my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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