Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
