You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
