I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
