yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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