Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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