i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
