Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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