It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
