I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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