Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
