There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
