I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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