At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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