I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
