I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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