I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
