god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
