he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
