Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
