i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
