Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
