Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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