If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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