I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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