he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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