It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
