i don't like sucking hair
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
