The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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