I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
