We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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