The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize