Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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