roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
