Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
