i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
