By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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