Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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