a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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