I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i love accidental penises.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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