Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
