Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
