i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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