Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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