my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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