between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
