I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
