I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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