you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
