Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
