after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
