I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
