Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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